I've realized in the last day or two that on a purely selfish level, life isn't about GETTING what you want...it's about ENDING UP with what you want. I've been getting everything I've wanted through life, yet still find dissatisfaction. On my defense, i don't get what i want because i was born with a silver spoon or because i just complain enough that people get sick of me and accommodate me. Actually, quite the contrary. People say i am fortunate or what not, but i don't see people doing much to get anywhere, so it doesn't surprise me that if i come a little earlier, stay a little later, work a little harder, and (figuratively) bleed a little more, that i should come out ahead. But over time, i still find myself relatively dissatisfied...what a paralyzing dilemma!

Something tells me I'm not going to figure this problem out in the scope of this blog entry, but sometimes i need to put things on paper to see what i'm thinking...and this one is quite a doozy. The other day i was frustrated because i couldn't find constructible cubes anywhere...i wish i hadn't found them...then i'd be trying to figure out where to get those instead of pondering my past, present, and future.

The funny thing is that there are so many easy solutions.
1) Take the stress out of business by going back to a job. Yeah, right. It took me 10 years to figure out that everything we do to prepare for our lives after 21 is useless because we're not in a position to determine our future beyond that. You can get good grades, whatever, but once you hit the corporate world, it's a doomed cycle. If you make too little, you are not worthy of much consideration and are expendable (money follows value...if you don't make much, you're just not that valuable in the eyes of our employers). If you make too much, they can always replace you with two people working at half the salary...how long can you work harder and smarter than two people? When you're time comes to put your head on the chopping block (i.e. restructuring, downsizing), just pray you're not 50, with 3 kids in college, a mortgage, credit card debt, and parents to care for...firing is the new retiring if you haven't heard.

2) Move back to Hawaii and slip into oblivion. Very tempting...take the red pill and go back to where I came from. In time, living back in hawaii, i'll probably forget everything about the cruel world. I can just live back in hawaii with all the rest of my struggling family and friends and struggle with them...but at least we'd have each other, right?

Shit, if those are the only two easy options, i'm seriously up a creek...hmm...

In the end, one thing always comes to mind...a quote I saw in my favorite book...and i'll end this blog with that proverb:

YOU'D BETTER BE RUNNING

Every morning,

a gazelle wakes up.

It knows it must run faster

than the fastest lion

or it will be killed.

Every morning,

a lion wakes up.

It knows it must outrun

the slowest gazelle

or it will starve to death.

It doesn't matter

whether you are

a lion or a gazelle:

When the sun comes up,

you'd better be running!

--African Proverb

So i guess after all the blabber, i've sort of answered my own question...for now. I just need to get up and run. It doesn't really matter, but i need to make sure i run...and run fast...i hope you're up and running as well!